neelwrites/fiction/200wordstory/28/11/2016

Sunday Photo Fiction – November 27th 2016SPF183-11-november-27th-2016

BLACK AND WHITE GAMES  

By Neel Anil Panicker

“This PM Modi wants to end all black money, Mannu Bhai, the politician said, and his comrade said, “Oh, holy fuck!!! Now what’s going to happen to all our money?” and Bhai said, “I thought we were smart enough to turn white long ago,” and the comrade said, “But it is not pure white you see, and this man is on a ‘Clean India’ mission,” and Bhai said, “How is that a problem, dumbo?” and the comrade said, “It’s just that I am fucking scared” and he said, “But that’s not what you said earlier when you were so gung ho and all braggadocio,” and the comrade said, “But that was then and this is now for how the fuck would I ever have known that this Modi tsunami would be in such a tearing hurry, “ and he said, “We will duck this with a little bit of luck and a suitcase full of new notes,” and the comrade said, “Remember, this man is not for sale__with or without notes__ old or new,” and to that he said, “But the bankers may be”, which was so off tangent that the comrade walked out of the room full of notes__old, of course.

Word count: 200 words

(c)neelanilpanicker2016#fiction#200wordstory#blackandwhitegame

https://sundayphotofictioner.wordpress.com/2016/11/27/sunday-photo-fiction-november-27th-2016/

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3 thoughts on “neelwrites/fiction/200wordstory/28/11/2016

  1. I like where this went, although I did find it difficult to read at some points. If I can make a suggestion.

    There were too few full stops, and too much of the word “and”.
    Maybe start each conversational piece on a new line.

    “This PM Modi wants to end all black money,”Mannu Bhai, the politician said
    “Oh, holy fuck!!! Now what’s going to happen to all our money?” said his comrade.
    “I thought we were smart enough to turn white long ago,”Bhai replied
    “But it is not pure white you see, and this man is on a ‘Clean India’ mission,” responded his companion.
    “How is that a problem, dumbo?” the poitician asked
    “It’s just that I am fucking scared”
    “But that’s not what you said earlier when you were so gung ho and all braggadocio,”

    With the new line, it makes it easier to see who is saying what. Another way is to drop the “saids” completely and maybe use italics.

    This PM Modi wants to end all black money,“Mannu Bhai, the politician said
    Oh, holy fuck!!! Now what’s going to happen to all our money?” said his comrade.
    I thought we were smart enough to turn white long ago,
    But it is not pure white you see, and this man is on a ‘Clean India’ mission,
    How is that a problem, dumbo?
    It’s just that I am fucking scared
    But that’s not what you said earlier when you were so gung ho and all braggadocio,

    Just a couple of suggestions 🙂 Keep up the good work though.

    Like

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